Hang on tight, it's about to get heavy in here. So, I'm at the gym this morning ... again ... I swear ... and, as I'm leaving, I pass by this cute young thing carrying a tennis racket. We exchange pleasant "good morning"s, but in my heart I'm thinking, "Bet you're not a lawyer." I get to parking lot where I see a super nice car with an EKU sticker on it and I'm thinking, "EKU's not a REAL college." Where does all this poison come from?
Clearly, I'm measuring myself by everything and everyone around me -- trying to make the grade. I was threatened by the fact that that cute slim young girl was more attractive than I am, so I try to make myself feel better by pointing out (to myself) that I have accomplishments that she presumably doesn't have (she could actually be a brain surgeon for all I know).
I always tease the men around me when they get competitive and say they're getting out the ruler and measuring their appendages -- but I'm just as bad or worse. Fr. Laurence has pointed out this human failing a hundred times in his talks. He attributes it to letting the ego be in charge. Mine is undeniably in the driver's seat.
And it doesn't stop there. It's like a pendelum of pain. I feel threatened, so I pump myself up. Then I realize how unjust I'm being and run myself down. After I recognized my own thought patterns this morning, I began to note that I'm not the smartest lawyer in the barrel and we're not the richest people in the world and so on and so on. No matter how good you are, there's always someone better. Measuring your accomplishments and attributes is no way to determine your value. But I'm so afraid of being valueless ....
Here is where Fr. Laurence would say that meditation brings you in touch with the living God who loves you as you are and who speaks to the spark of himself inside you. No matter what your accomplishments are, they're crap compared to God's power and, no matter what your failings are, they're unimportant compared to the spark of divinity you carry.
Although I accept that and take comfort in it intellectually, I don't live it.
"Shepherd me, oh God, beyond my wants, beyonds my fears, from death into life." Psalm 23.
On a lighter note, I'm probably going to die in the next 24 hours anyway. As I was washing chicken to put into the crock pot this morning, some of the juice splashed up all over my face. As my sister, Kathryn, will tell you, nothing is as toxic as raw chicken juice. Yuck! So, even though I wiped it off quickly with soap and water, I probably have only hours to live.
Clearly, I'm measuring myself by everything and everyone around me -- trying to make the grade. I was threatened by the fact that that cute slim young girl was more attractive than I am, so I try to make myself feel better by pointing out (to myself) that I have accomplishments that she presumably doesn't have (she could actually be a brain surgeon for all I know).
I always tease the men around me when they get competitive and say they're getting out the ruler and measuring their appendages -- but I'm just as bad or worse. Fr. Laurence has pointed out this human failing a hundred times in his talks. He attributes it to letting the ego be in charge. Mine is undeniably in the driver's seat.
And it doesn't stop there. It's like a pendelum of pain. I feel threatened, so I pump myself up. Then I realize how unjust I'm being and run myself down. After I recognized my own thought patterns this morning, I began to note that I'm not the smartest lawyer in the barrel and we're not the richest people in the world and so on and so on. No matter how good you are, there's always someone better. Measuring your accomplishments and attributes is no way to determine your value. But I'm so afraid of being valueless ....
Here is where Fr. Laurence would say that meditation brings you in touch with the living God who loves you as you are and who speaks to the spark of himself inside you. No matter what your accomplishments are, they're crap compared to God's power and, no matter what your failings are, they're unimportant compared to the spark of divinity you carry.
Although I accept that and take comfort in it intellectually, I don't live it.
"Shepherd me, oh God, beyond my wants, beyonds my fears, from death into life." Psalm 23.
On a lighter note, I'm probably going to die in the next 24 hours anyway. As I was washing chicken to put into the crock pot this morning, some of the juice splashed up all over my face. As my sister, Kathryn, will tell you, nothing is as toxic as raw chicken juice. Yuck! So, even though I wiped it off quickly with soap and water, I probably have only hours to live.
2 comments:
I think we all do this I think I'm hardest on myself good food for thought.
Glad for the peek inside your head - it lets me know I'm not the only one with these thoughts and shortcomings. :^)
.........and, I am pretty sure that the "five second rule" works for chicken juice, too.
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